Not Ready

It's become so clear in recent weeks.

I'm not ready for you, not yet.

I'm in too little control over my emotions. From joy at the sudden prospect of getting to see you, to insane pangs of jealousy because of the tiniest gesture. Maybe that was the start of my current slide. There was enough there that night that it should have been balanced out, but…

An overwhelming need to regain traction leading me to make a poor attempt at humor - won't be doing that again. Maybe it might have worked, though. Maybe, if it had really been you…

To feeling like you're avoiding me. Maybe you already were. Maybe that really was you running that yellow…

I've decided to let you avoid me, if that's what you're doing. Not putting myself into your eyeline anymore. It… feels like what you want right now. Of course, at some point, letting you avoid me becomes me avoiding you… which… Is not what I want, at all. But, I don't know. I just don't know.

I want nothing more than to talk with you. Clear the air. It's not like we don't have channels available to us…

But, what could you possibly want with this mess? Maybe it's for the best. I've come a long way, but I'm still too easily thrown. Too easily fall into these holes. I don't know how to not do that.

But I need to figure it out.

I will.

Because I need you in my life.

But I need to be ready, and I'm not there yet. You deserve better than this turmoil.

I've made the outside… well, not beautiful, lol. Nicer. But I still need to do so much work on the inside. I'll be working on that. I suppose that's all I can really do.